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safireeyes2001 those last few posts are for you. This is what was ACTUALLY said... So yeahhhhh, your "best friend" is as much of a liar as you.

Just goes to show that once again you chose strangers over your own daughter. You would think by now that I would be used to it. But of course it still hurts.

I really wish that you would see how much your actions throughout my life have affected me.

Thanks to you, I now have trust and abandonment issues.

Oh I know , you are going to say "oh woe is me." Seriously though, you really need to step back and see what a shitty life you made for me... For example -and these are just a few bullet points-:

Remember all those times you had strange men coming and going when we lived in the house across from Laubachs? I do.

Remember how when we lived in Nescopeck you disappeared one night without telling me where you went? Yeah, you left me at home with Heather on a Thursday night to go have sex with a black man (and his brother) that you met on the internet. You didn't come home that night, or the next morning. I missed school that Friday because you were not responsible enough to be home in time to put Heather on the bus. When you got home, you saw me cleaning and said "I should not come home more often."

How about how I wanted to go back to school, was accepted and ready to start and you flat out denied me any help to make it happen?

Remember the night that I asked Liz to come over and watch Heather so I could go on a date but then you ended up coming home? I thanked Liz for watching Heather and you looked at me and said "you never thanked me for watching her."

Oh, how about how you left Todd for Eric-whom you met on the internet. You didn't even give him an explanation. You lied to him and left me to deal with it. Did you know that he called me at work and cried on the phone with me for almost an hour? Almost lost my job for that one...

And I will end with one of my favorites here- how about how you left Eric- subsequently lying to him in the process as well- because you found your "long lost high school sweetheart" on the internet. Hmmmmm.... Best part of that, you took a mentally handicapped person as we'll as 2 minors to shack up with a registered sex offender!!! Then you had the nerve to call me judgemental. Really? Because my whole life, I was the ONLY one that ever supported you. I may not have agreed with the shit you pulled, but I fucking stuck around! I had plenty of opportunities to leave you high and dry. But i didn't because I trusted you. I wanted you to be happy.

I truly think that you (and myself as well) need counseling. I definitely have unresolved anger and other issues from our life together.... At least I am not too clouded by my own ego to admit I have a problem.

I don't know if you will read this, or will even take it seriously. At this point, I don't give a shit.... I just want you to know i am not the only guilty party in this mess....

I am going to end this with- for your information, my daughter is doing well. She is blossoming in to a very bright child. She is very receptive to things that a child of her age shouldn't really be.... I hope you regret that moment when you put more distance between you, her and I. Because, it is definitely YOU missing out on her jokes, antics, and her beautiful personality.


The story of it all... Part 2.

There I was, sitting with my best friend at a public library doing research on, of all things, a STD.  How humiliating.

  Any way, more time went by...  Another rape incident happened....  All because I had a high school friend over one night and was not available for Manny.  He screamed at me over the phone because I had company at my house and proceeded to hang up on me.  I ended up finding a ride to the office building to confront him.  At first, he wouldn't open the door for me.  When he finally did, I spent hours trying to get him to forgive me.  And when he calmed down enough, he proceeded to throw me on the floor.  The next day, I was sore again.  I had bruises on my arms and legs, as well as carpet burn on my knees. For the second time in my relationship, I didn't speak up because I thought I was doing something wrong.

  Many more months went by, with no more incidents or mention of them. We ended up finding an apartment together and moved in together.  At one point, I had another friend come over and spend some time with me because she was going through some things and just needed some support. Well, the girl ended up spending the night and the whole time she was there, all Manny could do was fantasize about him and I having sex. It was very odd. When I went to bed that night, all he wanted to talk about was having this girl get involved with us. He was obsessed with her having to hear us go at it. Although I was uncomfortable with doing anything with company in the house, I went through with it. I never said a word. The next morning no mention was made and it was as if nothing ever happened.

I guess I should mention that at that time, all of Manny's pay checks were literally being handed over to his wife. She was not allowing him to use any of the money for himself, therefore I had to support us both. Winter time came, and we both were laid off but I was unable to collect unemployment. (Of course he was, but guess where it all went.) So yeah, there we were, living in an apartment we couldn't afford with bills piling up all around us. Eventually we were evicted with no place to go.

  So as we are packing up our belongings, Manny gets this bright idea that we can move in with his wife. He figures that since he is paying bills for that house that he might as well live there. That's right.... All of us living in one house. I reluctantly agreed because there was no way I was going to go live with my mother. We moved in to the basement that was no where near being finished. There wasn't even heat down there. What he ended up doing was hanging black contractors plastic up to the rafters to use as walls and getting space heaters to keep it warm. So yeah, there I was, 20 years old, living in a basement with a man while his wife and kids lived upstairs.  Can't get much more awkward than that, right?  It was really odd sharing meals with a woman who thought of me as a home wrecker.

    Well, as time went by, I would love to say that things got better....  But they didn't. Somehow, I was talked in to letting my pay checks be deposited in to a bank account that I was not able to access.... And then the money disappeared... Not really sure where it went, but I can tell you that Manny's daughters always had name brand clothing and everything they could ever want or dream of. Back then, I used to tell myself that the money was going towards my share of the bills and things like that. I mean, come on, if I needed clothing or anything like that, I would have to perform sexual acts in order to get what I needed.

I wish there had been someone back then that could've warned me or set me straight or something. But sadly, there was no one.  And that is only because I began to be alienated from my friends and family. Not to mention the fact that I was still very ashamed of things that were happening in my relationships.

As time went by, I began to be separated from my friends and family. For instance, if I had taken some time and visited my mother, I would be bombarded with text messages and calls asking where I was, who I was with, and when I was coming home. Just thinking about going somewhere without him used to make me anxious and sick to my stomach. Heaven forbid, I went out with a friend to a bar or something... I would get all kinds of dirty text messages asking me if I was doing anyone, or if I had found someone to bring home to "play with us" or even asking if I wanted to come home and have sex. It got to the point where I didn't leave the house because of him.

There was a point in our relationship that I had really started questioning things... I ended up having an affair with a man I worked with. Well, apparently I was not very good at hiding things, or just that the psycho was that good on snooping... Who knows! Anyway, once he found out about it, he forced me to tell him every single detail of the affair as he had forceful sex with me. It was not enjoyable at all. Just another humiliating part of the relationship. I was never able to live it down either. He was constantly picking fights with me about it, belittling me, calling me a slut... It was a very hurtful blow to my ego. I get it though, I cheated, it was all my fault.

Shortly after my indiscretion, I had made the decision I was going to leave Manny. I had packed a bag and was ready to leave when he begged me to stay. He asked me to marry him. Told me he was going to have his vasectomy reversed so we could have children together. (This after him saying that he never wanted more children, he couldn't see how anyone could love another persons child like their own, he didn't believe in adoption, and oh yeah, he was still married to his wife!!!)

So there I was, 23 years old, engaged to a man that was mentally abusive, jealous, a raging egomaniac, and sometimes sexually abusive to me.

...To Be Continued!...

The story of it all... Part 1.

Hello all! I have decided that it's time to really let it all out... It's time that everyone knows the whole story. I apologize In advance if any of the following shocks and astonishes you. There are some things I am about to write that I have never told anyone. Ever. Also, be warned, things may get pretty explicit. This is probably the most personal entry that I have ever and will ever compose.

You will notice that I am writing this in parts. I have to do it this way to give my brain a break in between. Just thinking about letting it all out is making me anxious. I am also changing some names in the story just to save face. Those of you reading this and know who I am, will know who I am really talking about.

So here it goes. I was 19 years old, just turned it actually, just out of school, working my first real full time factory job. I had just gotten out of a serous relationship, I was fragile, hurting and in search of someone or something to fill the void. I first noticed Manny a few weeks in to working there. I did small things, dumb things, to try to get his attention. It took weeks for him to notice me. I finally worked up some courage and used probably the most dumb pick up line on him ever. It worked though.

Next thing I knew, I was obsessed with him. I could stop thinking about him, talking about him, and flirting with him. When I wasn't working, I was driving by his house, dreaming of ways to get him to spend time with him. Finally one morning, I succeeded and ended up going back to the vacant office building where he worked during the day. What happened there? I did things I should have been ashamed of. Of course I wasn't. I didn't care. I didn't care that he was married, or had 2 children. I was so smitten and enamored by him that I ignored it all. I also didn't care about the lies he used to tell me in the beginning. (For example, I couldn't get a hold of him one time when we first started fooling around, so when I asked where he was, he told me he had spent the day having sex with his female neighbor. Another time, he had told me that he had spent the day in Philadelphia at a home he owned because his wife was being a bitch... )  There was another day that he told me his wife was out of town and he had begged me to call off work so I could spend the whole day with him.  I remember telling him that I couldn't do that because I had really needed the money because I wanted to get my own apartment.  He told me that if I had called off work, he would pay me.  Looking back, I realize that I was nothing more than a prostitute at that moment.

We spent quite a bit of time together, having sex. I was not using protection because he had told me he had a vasectomy and refused to wear a condom. I was so enthralled with the male attention that I didn't ever question it. Just kept up the whole charade. One morning at breakfast, he started discussing his children with me and showing me pictures of them. He had me in love with them before I had even met them. He made himself out to be such a great father. He had me believing that his wife and him hadn't slept together in years and that they were on the brink of divorce. Keep in mind that at this point in time, I was completely monogamous.

After a month or 2 of secretly dating, I had asked him to start staying with me. He did. One night, we had a fight about something, I don't even remember what it was about any more.... I think it was something I said, but it really made him mad. He had yelled and lectured and yelled some more. Told me he was leaving, was going to end it all. I begged and begged him to stay. Ultimately, that night was the first time I was raped. He grabbed me by the arms, threw me on my bed, pulled my hair and forcefully had sex with me. I forgave him for whatever I had done to set him off, and the night was not mentioned again, despite the fact I was sore the next day. I had bruises from him grabbing me and a massive headache from my hair being pulled.

A few months of me sharing him with his wife went by. I had to go to a feminine appointment for an annual checkup. During the appointment, I was told that I had an STD. Genital warts, to be exact. I felt so humiliated, disgusting, alone. I ended up having to have a very painful procedure done to have them removed with an acid. When I discussed it with Manny, he denied having a STD, denied ever giving it to me. He called me names, accused me of sleeping around, just made me feel like a tramp. There was no humiliation worse than tracking down ex-boyfriends to tell them of the warts and explain that there was a chance they could have it.

I was so ashamed that the only other person that knew of the situation was my best friend. He went to the library with me to do research on the disease to see what side effects were and what long term effects there could be for me. The whole time, BB never said a word, never passed judgement on me. Just sat there with me quietly while I headed down the path to hell.

... To be continued ...


Doctor Confirmed it

Yep, went to the doctor and they made me pee in a cup. The test came back positive. Wahooo!!! Knew it all along, just needed to make it official. Now I get to find an OB and start geting all of those fun tests. From what I understand, there will be all kinds of poking and prodding from here on out. I am so glad that my honey will be there for me. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met.

I don't think that reality has fully hit me yet. I think that when it does, I will be a blubbering mess.

Despite what everyone tells me, I feel that I will enjoy this whole process... I will enjoy the 9 months of getting to know my baby, or as I affectionately call it, my LEECH. I will enjoy every pain, every moment I feel queasy, every night that I feel like a million degrees, every single ounce of weight that I put on.... I truely will... Sad part is that I know it will go by way too quick.

Anyway, time to go take a nice warm shower with the man I love.

Mommy to be

So yeah, my period was 2 days late (also queasy and tired alot!) so I decided to walk to CVS last Saturday and get a pregnancy test. I took the first one (for some reason they put 2 in the box) and it showed positive. Next morning, first morning pee,took the second and it was still positive. We are super excited to start a family!!!

Monday the 11th we are going to the DR for the first time together so Doc can confirm what we already know. It's amazing how great I feel about this whole thing. Will keep you posted.

An awesome dinner

Our turkey turned out great!!! It was so moist and tasty!!! Everything tasted so good. We ate so much!

This is what we had:
Mashed Potatoes
Macaroni and Cheese
Green Bean Casserole
Apple Pie

Anyway... We have enough turkey to last us for quite a while. Wahoo, lunch for work tomorrow. I am proud!
Had the best "first Christmas" ever!

I love you all!

update from my new ZuneHD

I love my new ZuneHD. It's awesome! I am writing this using the internet feature on it.

Slater also gave me a ring and officially asked me to marry him. I said yes!

He also loves his gifts. He got all mushy on me when he opened his rings!

Gotta run! Love you all!

Lonely Tuesday

The love of my life went to work this morning and I stayed home because I have to work on Saturday. It is lonely without him here. I don't know what to do when he isn't around. Sure, I have Rebel, but our conversations are not as great as the ones I have with my love.

We got our first tree last night. It is only a 2 foot tall one that sits on the microwave. This is a big step for me because I wasn't even sure that I wanted to celebrate Christmas in that way this year. Alot has changed for me recently that had make me not care so much. I am definitely glad that we are though! I am super excited for Christmas so I can give him his gifts.

Before I go shower and take a stroll up town, I am going to finish this entry by saying one thing. I am very thankful for the man I have in my life. Words could never express how much he means to me. I love everything about him... There isn't one thing that I don't love. I hope that I can live up to be what he needs... I want to make him the happiest man alive. I know that he deserves that and I will do any and everything that it takes to make him feel that way.

I love you, Mr. Vought. Thank you for everything!