Hello all! I have decided that it's time to really let it all out... It's time that everyone knows the whole story. I apologize In advance if any of the following shocks and astonishes you. There are some things I am about to write that I have never told anyone. Ever. Also, be warned, things may get pretty explicit. This is probably the most personal entry that I have ever and will ever compose.
You will notice that I am writing this in parts. I have to do it this way to give my brain a break in between. Just thinking about letting it all out is making me anxious. I am also changing some names in the story just to save face. Those of you reading this and know who I am, will know who I am really talking about.
So here it goes. I was 19 years old, just turned it actually, just out of school, working my first real full time factory job. I had just gotten out of a serous relationship, I was fragile, hurting and in search of someone or something to fill the void. I first noticed Manny a few weeks in to working there. I did small things, dumb things, to try to get his attention. It took weeks for him to notice me. I finally worked up some courage and used probably the most dumb pick up line on him ever. It worked though.
Next thing I knew, I was obsessed with him. I could stop thinking about him, talking about him, and flirting with him. When I wasn't working, I was driving by his house, dreaming of ways to get him to spend time with him. Finally one morning, I succeeded and ended up going back to the vacant office building where he worked during the day. What happened there? I did things I should have been ashamed of. Of course I wasn't. I didn't care. I didn't care that he was married, or had 2 children. I was so smitten and enamored by him that I ignored it all. I also didn't care about the lies he used to tell me in the beginning. (For example, I couldn't get a hold of him one time when we first started fooling around, so when I asked where he was, he told me he had spent the day having sex with his female neighbor. Another time, he had told me that he had spent the day in Philadelphia at a home he owned because his wife was being a bitch... ) There was another day that he told me his wife was out of town and he had begged me to call off work so I could spend the whole day with him. I remember telling him that I couldn't do that because I had really needed the money because I wanted to get my own apartment. He told me that if I had called off work, he would pay me. Looking back, I realize that I was nothing more than a prostitute at that moment.
We spent quite a bit of time together, having sex. I was not using protection because he had told me he had a vasectomy and refused to wear a condom. I was so enthralled with the male attention that I didn't ever question it. Just kept up the whole charade. One morning at breakfast, he started discussing his children with me and showing me pictures of them. He had me in love with them before I had even met them. He made himself out to be such a great father. He had me believing that his wife and him hadn't slept together in years and that they were on the brink of divorce. Keep in mind that at this point in time, I was completely monogamous.
After a month or 2 of secretly dating, I had asked him to start staying with me. He did. One night, we had a fight about something, I don't even remember what it was about any more.... I think it was something I said, but it really made him mad. He had yelled and lectured and yelled some more. Told me he was leaving, was going to end it all. I begged and begged him to stay. Ultimately, that night was the first time I was raped. He grabbed me by the arms, threw me on my bed, pulled my hair and forcefully had sex with me. I forgave him for whatever I had done to set him off, and the night was not mentioned again, despite the fact I was sore the next day. I had bruises from him grabbing me and a massive headache from my hair being pulled.
A few months of me sharing him with his wife went by. I had to go to a feminine appointment for an annual checkup. During the appointment, I was told that I had an STD. Genital warts, to be exact. I felt so humiliated, disgusting, alone. I ended up having to have a very painful procedure done to have them removed with an acid. When I discussed it with Manny, he denied having a STD, denied ever giving it to me. He called me names, accused me of sleeping around, just made me feel like a tramp. There was no humiliation worse than tracking down ex-boyfriends to tell them of the warts and explain that there was a chance they could have it.
I was so ashamed that the only other person that knew of the situation was my best friend. He went to the library with me to do research on the disease to see what side effects were and what long term effects there could be for me. The whole time, BB never said a word, never passed judgement on me. Just sat there with me quietly while I headed down the path to hell.
... To be continued ...
- Current Location:US, Pennsylvania, Berwick, Columbia, E Eighth St, 135